Posts Tagged ‘Beginnings

11
Mar
12

With Hopes Of Redemption

Even as I frantically tried to make my life take a better turn, it defied my deepest desires, took the same path as before and went down the same worn out road that I had taken so many times before. I knew that taking the other lane would be best, and it was certainly not for the want of knowledge that I made the wrong choice, I think, it was force of habit.

Every single day I’d say to myself, today… TODAY is THE day. The day you’ve been waiting for. Now grab the day. Somehow, I always set so much store by the old saying well begun is half done, I started to see the motivation I gave myself as the beginning, and considered my goals half achieved, but while it certainly was a start, just saying ‘Begin’ never really set the wheels of change in motion, and thus it was all only but still left undone.

To redeem, renew and revitalise my life seemed so important, so necessary and very much within reach, but so darned unachievable… I wanted to rejuvenate my life, restore it to what it had one been. I so badly wanted to ignite once more the thrilling fires of determination and achievement; I wanted to feel the thirst I used to feel incessantly for every drop of victory that was attainable.

I remember I once decided to do all of that, and went on the whole day, successfully carried on for a week and then some four months…. At the end of which I found I had once again run out of some magical driving force that I had temporarily resurrected. And then at the end of another four months I only found myself once again meandering, directionless, again merely building castles in the air, and dwelling in reminiscence of the times gone by. The castles, even those of my dreams now resemble ancient ruins….. Large boulders in the middle of no-man’s land.

I wondered whether thoughts alone could make everything seem normal. Sane.  Lively. What was one to do when one merely wanted to live life again?

And seriously, every single article I read online, every bit of advice anyone ever gave me seemed purely impractical and undoable, or plain lame.  And all the while I knew that once I decided to consider a particular task impossible, that was all it would ever be.

If I was to indeed turn things around, to actually do everything was all that was left.

One night, as I drifted off to those realms yet unknown, I think I saw in my mind,  and I heard in my head,

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

And in them lines my hopes for a renewed life lay.With Hopes Of Redemption

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04
Mar
12

When Day Dreams Don’t Suffice

Have you ever found yourself sitting on your couch, staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused, hair askew, hands randomly fiddling about with nothing in particular… a piece of paper maybe, or the TV remote? And suddenly you come to and realise that you’re just sitting there with a foolish grin playing on your face, and maybe a stunned onlooker  contemplating whether or not to get you out of your reverie just in case you proceed to do something ridiculous like a tiny little jig or hop on the spot or a graceful pirouette. o_O

Yeah. Day dreaming. Those were the days… aahhh…..

Damn it! There I was at it again!!!

Oh well, one find day, realisation hit me. I realised that in day dreaming, I was living my mind’s strongest desires in an imagined world, and that I wasn’t really making an effort to get them done in reality. I could all of a sudden, pin ALL – each and every single one- my failures, disappointments and delays in accomplishment to this one existence – an alternate world running parallel to the real world in my head, where none of those sad realities existed!

So, when this realization hit, I sat and wondered. What on earth was I to do?

I had a decade ‘s worth of unaccomplished goals to catch up on!

And so ( in wondering,) another decade passed.

Then, one fine Sunday eve, I decided, absolutely cold turkey. TO FRIKKIN START DOING!

And there. That was all that there ever was to be done. Put out a plan, work out a routine, and stick to it with extra effort for a month. And then the second month, I hoped I‘d find that it was programmed into me that I didn’t need to put in that effort that it was all but effortless to get up and DO whatever it was that I wanted done.

I had learnt that autopilot didn’t mean uncontrolled. It meant self- controlled. And so this blog came to be. On Autopilot

01
Sep
10

A Start Nonetheless

A week back, I was at my desk in my room at hostel, trying to write a page of something in English to contribute to my college yearbook.  From prose I came down to poetry and at the end of an hour I was desperately trying to create a comic strip…..

I realized that a two year break from writing can kill one’s vocabulary, imagination, and spontaneity and that a 4 week break from speaking a language can kill one’s diction and accent. 
I decided that I’d take my struggle to win back my command over the language online onto a blog, and hence the existence of this page. 
It’s funny how this seems the most engaging and imposing problem of mine when compared to the test that I have the day after tomorrow… Having now successfully convinced myself that the test may be important too after all, I’m afraid I’ll  be at my desk improving nay starting to build my vocabulary of anatomy terms and phrases for the next couple of days (or is it only just tomorrow before the D day?)   Well, a beginning is a beginning no matter under what dire circumstances it took place…




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