Archive for the 'The Darker Lessons' Category

01
Oct
16

Trust.

Trust, is a fickle thing. Fickle as fuck. One day it’s there, and the next, poof. Sometimes, I can’t remember why i lost it. And I feel only worse for having burnt another bridge. But, when everything is so transient and often contrived, what, I ask myself, is the point then, of putting much of me into anything at all. So, I just cut it all out and move along, all the while wondering, how it might have been, how I would have lived that day in my old life. Yet, as I live in a bygone past and imagined future, a little voice reminds me what the dissatisfaction felt like and why I chose to brutally and abruptly knock a part of my being off. And then suddenly I feel that there might still be the tiniest hope that the right stuff, the good shiz still lies ahead, and if I plod through what I have to, I might still make it.

01
Jul
12

Battlefield

The war rages on. Relentless, like the hail that lashes down, determined to to leave everything destroyed. The oldest trees are starting to break, unable to take the weight of it all. The burden’s too much.

I watch it all, prisoner of my own mind. As it unfolds to mind’s eye, in glorious clarity, I seek catharsis as I play out the toughest decisions of my life in slow motion, watching my follies and watching the men fall and bleed to death. How they all seemed to lie there, red, bloody, with an eerie smile of sorts on their dying visage, as if the last thing they thought of was something that made them smile maniacally, laugh with remorse.

I wonder whether it will be my turn to battle it out next. I am sure I’m not ready to  die.

I remember their faces. I remember the agony of it all. I wish I hadn’t caused all that pain, seeing now that I was going to be paid back in kind by the world, the universe had not been on my side after all. The deceitful maestro had led me on so.

The guards come for me. I want to flee.

There is no other door but for the one where they stand.

The window was high.

I am on the tall chair.

I grab onto the window ledge, I can see the glass.

I make to open it.

Strong arms hold me from all sides and pull me down. He forces a flimsy armour like the ones the others all wore on me. They march me down the steep stariway of that tall overly lit tower. I feel I’m hurling towards death. The light blinds me. And as I step out, I can’t see a thing.

I lie  on the wet mud. I feel the impact for a moment.

I no longer am. I am filled with delight.

For one last time I’d escaped punishment. I just go on.

02
Apr
12

Resplendent Cattywampus

Roughly conveys the meaning of ‘brilliant, sparkling disarray’.

Now that is at the face of it, the sole outcome of letting life just steer itself down whatever course it wills. Apparently, flying with one’s hands free, on autopilot comes at a steep price.

But, let me tell you, living life as it comes has a HUGE plus side. It ensures that regardless of what my next door neighbour may say about my unruly shenanigans, I will have at the end of the day truly lived every moment that the day had to offer. Every single moment – to the fullest.

Not that a day should be spent meaninglessly doing nothing in particular. The day should be spent doing as many things as possible, as well as possible. And most importantly, doing those things that one truly loves doing.

So, that ideal, so resplendent, promising and inviting, calls out to one and all I’m sure. To live a day, to cherish and drink in the wonder of every given moment that passes by and to feel fully satisfied with everything done during the day is pretty much that one  thing that has eluded me since the I was old enough to know that’s what I really want. Somehow the very idea of being able to exist as that ideal creates this astonishingly brilliant image, and I’m afraid that if I open my eyes to look, the pure white light will blind me.

Well, when all had been said about the ideal life, I tried to get it done too. Sadly,  I was broken to find that it really didn’t work the way I felt it should or the way it does in a dream.

My life pretty much slipped out of control. I was doing everything that I’d ever dreamt of, or at least the evil forces of the world had me believing that everything I was doing was everything I’d ever dreamt of. But in actuality, all hell had broken loose and I had shards of my life lying scattered all about me in utter disarray.

As inviting as it had all seemed, it turned out that such designs in  life were only meant for the higher, more evolved, controlled ones who could find it in them to both practice and preach. In trying to live each moment I found it so easy to lose sight of the future…my future. It was so easy to just remain suspended in time, at that moment, to imagine that that was the only moment I ever had to live and just keep drinking in its essence and beauty.

But alas, clocks ticked on and alarm bells rang, and as the hours passed me by all I was left with was tonnes of work to be done and so much else undone, albeit accompanied by a glorious memory or two, but I had to choose… which was worth more? Hundreds of decent, enjoyable memories or just a couple of amazing, breathtakingly exquisite ones followed by ages of pain and labour?

I tried living life as it came by,and  it didn’t really feel that great. I didn’t like the after taste it left. Bitter-sweet and sour.

What I had was a glimpse of brilliance, almost blinded eyes, and no grip over the future. It was all mayhem. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I didn’t  know.

I could close my eyes and remember the light I’d once seen.

I swore to strive to get there…to the stage where I could truly let my life steer itself and know for sure that it was going down the path that was best for me, to know that I would not lose control even in face of the strongest winds regardless of whether or not I stood at the wheel, whether or not I steered.

But at that moment, surrounding me was nothing but sparkling debris of magnificence that was once whole.

Resplendent Cattywampus




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