Archive for the 'Taking Control' Category



Trust, is a fickle thing. Fickle as fuck. One day it’s there, and the next, poof. Sometimes, I can’t remember why i lost it. And I feel only worse for having burnt another bridge. But, when everything is so transient and often contrived, what, I ask myself, is the point then, of putting much of me into anything at all. So, I just cut it all out and move along, all the while wondering, how it might have been, how I would have lived that day in my old life. Yet, as I live in a bygone past and imagined future, a little voice reminds me what the dissatisfaction felt like and why I chose to brutally and abruptly knock a part of my being off. And then suddenly I feel that there might still be the tiniest hope that the right stuff, the good shiz still lies ahead, and if I plod through what I have to, I might still make it.


You can’t bring me down

Defying Gravity

I’m through accepting limits, ’cause someone says they’re so.

Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I’ll never know.

So long I’ve been afraid of losing- well, not love, but some kind of stability/ success, which I guess I’ve lost. And that wish for stable ground under my feet, has done nothing but prevent me from taking risks. And in that bargain, I’ve lost whatever I did have, and have fallen to the lowest rung. And I’m thinking right now, I’d sooner try defying gravity. I hope I don’t bring myself down.

It’s amazing how much I actually tell myself that that’s the song of my current life. Amongst loads of other songs lamenting the loss of something or some other thing, this one really really puts my want to be daring in words.

I’m through with playing by,

The rules of someone else’s game.

– an Elphaba trying to take off and defy gravity, all denizens of Oz and their Wizard.


Resplendent Cattywampus

Roughly conveys the meaning of ‘brilliant, sparkling disarray’.

Now that is at the face of it, the sole outcome of letting life just steer itself down whatever course it wills. Apparently, flying with one’s hands free, on autopilot comes at a steep price.

But, let me tell you, living life as it comes has a HUGE plus side. It ensures that regardless of what my next door neighbour may say about my unruly shenanigans, I will have at the end of the day truly lived every moment that the day had to offer. Every single moment – to the fullest.

Not that a day should be spent meaninglessly doing nothing in particular. The day should be spent doing as many things as possible, as well as possible. And most importantly, doing those things that one truly loves doing.

So, that ideal, so resplendent, promising and inviting, calls out to one and all I’m sure. To live a day, to cherish and drink in the wonder of every given moment that passes by and to feel fully satisfied with everything done during the day is pretty much that one  thing that has eluded me since the I was old enough to know that’s what I really want. Somehow the very idea of being able to exist as that ideal creates this astonishingly brilliant image, and I’m afraid that if I open my eyes to look, the pure white light will blind me.

Well, when all had been said about the ideal life, I tried to get it done too. Sadly,  I was broken to find that it really didn’t work the way I felt it should or the way it does in a dream.

My life pretty much slipped out of control. I was doing everything that I’d ever dreamt of, or at least the evil forces of the world had me believing that everything I was doing was everything I’d ever dreamt of. But in actuality, all hell had broken loose and I had shards of my life lying scattered all about me in utter disarray.

As inviting as it had all seemed, it turned out that such designs in  life were only meant for the higher, more evolved, controlled ones who could find it in them to both practice and preach. In trying to live each moment I found it so easy to lose sight of the future…my future. It was so easy to just remain suspended in time, at that moment, to imagine that that was the only moment I ever had to live and just keep drinking in its essence and beauty.

But alas, clocks ticked on and alarm bells rang, and as the hours passed me by all I was left with was tonnes of work to be done and so much else undone, albeit accompanied by a glorious memory or two, but I had to choose… which was worth more? Hundreds of decent, enjoyable memories or just a couple of amazing, breathtakingly exquisite ones followed by ages of pain and labour?

I tried living life as it came by,and  it didn’t really feel that great. I didn’t like the after taste it left. Bitter-sweet and sour.

What I had was a glimpse of brilliance, almost blinded eyes, and no grip over the future. It was all mayhem. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I didn’t  know.

I could close my eyes and remember the light I’d once seen.

I swore to strive to get there…to the stage where I could truly let my life steer itself and know for sure that it was going down the path that was best for me, to know that I would not lose control even in face of the strongest winds regardless of whether or not I stood at the wheel, whether or not I steered.

But at that moment, surrounding me was nothing but sparkling debris of magnificence that was once whole.

Resplendent Cattywampus


When Day Dreams Don’t Suffice

Have you ever found yourself sitting on your couch, staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused, hair askew, hands randomly fiddling about with nothing in particular… a piece of paper maybe, or the TV remote? And suddenly you come to and realise that you’re just sitting there with a foolish grin playing on your face, and maybe a stunned onlooker  contemplating whether or not to get you out of your reverie just in case you proceed to do something ridiculous like a tiny little jig or hop on the spot or a graceful pirouette. o_O

Yeah. Day dreaming. Those were the days… aahhh…..

Damn it! There I was at it again!!!

Oh well, one find day, realisation hit me. I realised that in day dreaming, I was living my mind’s strongest desires in an imagined world, and that I wasn’t really making an effort to get them done in reality. I could all of a sudden, pin ALL – each and every single one- my failures, disappointments and delays in accomplishment to this one existence – an alternate world running parallel to the real world in my head, where none of those sad realities existed!

So, when this realization hit, I sat and wondered. What on earth was I to do?

I had a decade ‘s worth of unaccomplished goals to catch up on!

And so ( in wondering,) another decade passed.

Then, one fine Sunday eve, I decided, absolutely cold turkey. TO FRIKKIN START DOING!

And there. That was all that there ever was to be done. Put out a plan, work out a routine, and stick to it with extra effort for a month. And then the second month, I hoped I‘d find that it was programmed into me that I didn’t need to put in that effort that it was all but effortless to get up and DO whatever it was that I wanted done.

I had learnt that autopilot didn’t mean uncontrolled. It meant self- controlled. And so this blog came to be. On Autopilot


A Start Nonetheless

A week back, I was at my desk in my room at hostel, trying to write a page of something in English to contribute to my college yearbook.  From prose I came down to poetry and at the end of an hour I was desperately trying to create a comic strip…..

I realized that a two year break from writing can kill one’s vocabulary, imagination, and spontaneity and that a 4 week break from speaking a language can kill one’s diction and accent. 
I decided that I’d take my struggle to win back my command over the language online onto a blog, and hence the existence of this page. 
It’s funny how this seems the most engaging and imposing problem of mine when compared to the test that I have the day after tomorrow… Having now successfully convinced myself that the test may be important too after all, I’m afraid I’ll  be at my desk improving nay starting to build my vocabulary of anatomy terms and phrases for the next couple of days (or is it only just tomorrow before the D day?)   Well, a beginning is a beginning no matter under what dire circumstances it took place…

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