Archive for the 'Jaded Diary' Category

01
Oct
16

Trust.

Trust, is a fickle thing. Fickle as fuck. One day it’s there, and the next, poof. Sometimes, I can’t remember why i lost it. And I feel only worse for having burnt another bridge. But, when everything is so transient and often contrived, what, I ask myself, is the point then, of putting much of me into anything at all. So, I just cut it all out and move along, all the while wondering, how it might have been, how I would have lived that day in my old life. Yet, as I live in a bygone past and imagined future, a little voice reminds me what the dissatisfaction felt like and why I chose to brutally and abruptly knock a part of my being off. And then suddenly I feel that there might still be the tiniest hope that the right stuff, the good shiz still lies ahead, and if I plod through what I have to, I might still make it.

06
Jul
14

Somewhere along in the bitterness.

 

Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.

Where did I go wrong I lost a friend somewhere along, in the bitterness, and I would’ve stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.


I needed ‘inspiration’ to write. And WordPress seems to want me to bare all and tell. Well, there – I picked my line. From How To Save A Life by The Fray. Well, although it doesn’t define my every breath anymore, it did for a considerable amount of time. Now it’s mostly just about any song that either asks the world to bloody quit judging me and bugger off or some little alternative rock stuff that tries to infuse some hope and vigour into my life. Not that there are too many happy ones, for the most of it my playlist has angsty sad songs. Damn…what does that say about me?!  Oh well, coming to the point at hand. How To Save A Life.

So, the first cue WordPress gave me was to pick a moment that changed my life forever. The second was the song thing. I picked the song thing,but I think I can effectively tackle both. Firstly, know that the event itself was rather silly. However, I hold my ground that it CHANGED me FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever more. That sort of thing happens to children when they deal with even small stuff all by themselves for too long. Looking back, after finishing both Psych rotations and Psych theory, I was clinically depressed well into mid year 2 of med school.

People change as they grow up. Your cute little next doorsy but fucking pretty best friend turns into an I’m too cool for you plain Janes socialite at 15 and you’re basically a football playing knee scraping teen already sadly enough, fed up with ‘the system’

Yep. So my friend, she was practically my sister, right? And although she was a few months older than me, I was the ‘older’ one. The bigger of two scrawny babies. What would you do if over one vacation your own little sister just started to ignore you it refused to admit it and just slowly began to make the embarrassed face where they go “oops peeps, I know she’s my sister, but don’t lump me with her” when you tried to make it to their hang outs. Embarassed! Of me! Anyway, so you call a bunch of times, but always get told she’s out or busy, but then you wait for the returned call. It never came.

So on my 16th, I probably very unwisely decided to ‘disown’ her, or rather make public her rejection of me- in public eye. Fuck that was brutal shit. I shouldn’t have. I think that shaped me. I spiralled further into the lowest of lows. And have only just, 6 years later, managed to creep halfway up the deep well. I still can’t see the light, but it seems I’m getting breaths of fresher air than I’ve been used to these parts years.

I meant to write in more detail, but it now looks like I should let the diary post rest in my diary and the blog read like a blog.

Mirthfully, maniacally laughing at my little high school self, who’s hoping against hope, that it’s all a bad dream and tomorrow I’ll wake up and find I’m not this dependent, that I am some high flying successful person, studying in those hallowed halls of the world’s best like I imagined I would. I wish I’d worked instead of imagined.

Well.

“You’ll begin to wonder why you came”

I wish I’d just talked. But I wanted to take control. I did it too suddenly. The control I tried to wrest sotnof slipped out of my grip because of how forcefully I pushed away the hands that had held the power for so many long years.

 

26
Sep
13

The Price of Knowing

Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts.   Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North

Knowledge, wisdom, judgement – all come at a cost. The most balanced, self-assured seeming, if not calm, decisive person you know, whom you look at and wish you could be like in some respects, is probably one who’s been in the same situation a trillion times before. And hasn’t extricated themselves from it, and is stuck making the seemingly ‘safer’ choice whence you glimpse their seeming cool countenance. On the inside, the person’s remembering every last time and wondering how they got there again, and trying to make the one choice they’ve not tried as of yet, hoping to get out and leave it all behind. The ghosts of their past will likely haunt them for a while after this time, even as you think and ‘envy’ their ‘decision’. The more a person knows about avoiding death, more the likelihood that his/her wardrobe has a jumbled heap of bones – skeletons waiting to tumble out- people they watched die & in all likelihood killed.

The ghosts of mistakes and by gone blunders haunt the house at night, leaving me tossing at night, not knowing why I’m tired in the day.

The longer I stay in a situation, the more the things I want to put behind me, and the more I try to stuff them away, the more they seep out from beneath my feet, behind my back and above my head- all around.

The more enlightened (experienced, learned) our houses are- more ghosts the walls ooze.

29
Mar
12

I Want To

  1. Learn to dance without tripping over my own feet, learn to swim better, and not look like a fish that lost its fins.
  2. Start doing things I know I’m good at without thinking about others, how good they might be or what they might think.
  3.  Get over my lowly fear of tests and auditions, actually of not getting selected.
  4. Publish a research on Muscular Dystrophy while in med school.
  5. Perform Brutus and Antony back to back, and not lose character.
  6. Learn Japanese, French and German in the next ten years.
  7. Learn to play Western Classical music on the violin, ideally the piano, but I don’t see that happening.
  8. Be head of an administrative body.
  9. Run a marathon. At least once.
  10. Visit Old Trafford and watch a Wimbledon final with prime seats at Centre Court. ( Basically to be able to afford that.)
  11. Publish a book… Something fictitious but you know, something true.
  12. Do something for someone (this one’s not actually as vague as it sounds…).
  13. Keep my cool in an emergency and save a life.
  14. Say to someone that line from Jerry McGuire. 😉 Yeah, I know… dream much.
  15. Tell a story without boring myself.
  16. Build and fly a kite.
  17. Write a comic strip, and publish it in a weekly.
  18. Let a trace of grace into my being.
  19. Well, of course, get rich.
  20. Visit 221B Baker Street.
  21. Solve a medical mystery.
  22. Not shut myself off when I’m stressed.
  23. Become open to suggestions, become more patient, be more decisive.
  24. Work 24×7. My work must help people live, come back from the brink of death.
  25. Be Chief. Of Medicine at a big big hospital. Hold my own. Know I’m right. But basically, be the Chief, win awards as chief.
  26. Cycle through Spain and Italy. Drive around Sweden. Spend a summer in the Alps. Ski, and eat a lot of actual homemade Swiss chocolate and cheese. Take a road trip through the hills and vales of Scotland, feel the gloom of the moors, shake hands or paws or whatever with the Loch Ness Monster 😀
  27. Drive through the streets of London in a Bentley. Own a Jag.
  28. Be my own ideal person….someday.
  29. Make my parents so proud, so proud I don’t want that their pride can be measured or expressed in words. I want to be able to look them in the eye and just know…that its there, and in a measure they never imagined in their wildest dreams.
  30. Accomplish all of the above.

The list may change with time, some more may get added, some removed, some ticked off, some just discarded, but no matter what happens in the future, as of today, to me, this the stuff my dreams are made of. 

11
Mar
12

With Hopes Of Redemption

Even as I frantically tried to make my life take a better turn, it defied my deepest desires, took the same path as before and went down the same worn out road that I had taken so many times before. I knew that taking the other lane would be best, and it was certainly not for the want of knowledge that I made the wrong choice, I think, it was force of habit.

Every single day I’d say to myself, today… TODAY is THE day. The day you’ve been waiting for. Now grab the day. Somehow, I always set so much store by the old saying well begun is half done, I started to see the motivation I gave myself as the beginning, and considered my goals half achieved, but while it certainly was a start, just saying ‘Begin’ never really set the wheels of change in motion, and thus it was all only but still left undone.

To redeem, renew and revitalise my life seemed so important, so necessary and very much within reach, but so darned unachievable… I wanted to rejuvenate my life, restore it to what it had one been. I so badly wanted to ignite once more the thrilling fires of determination and achievement; I wanted to feel the thirst I used to feel incessantly for every drop of victory that was attainable.

I remember I once decided to do all of that, and went on the whole day, successfully carried on for a week and then some four months…. At the end of which I found I had once again run out of some magical driving force that I had temporarily resurrected. And then at the end of another four months I only found myself once again meandering, directionless, again merely building castles in the air, and dwelling in reminiscence of the times gone by. The castles, even those of my dreams now resemble ancient ruins….. Large boulders in the middle of no-man’s land.

I wondered whether thoughts alone could make everything seem normal. Sane.  Lively. What was one to do when one merely wanted to live life again?

And seriously, every single article I read online, every bit of advice anyone ever gave me seemed purely impractical and undoable, or plain lame.  And all the while I knew that once I decided to consider a particular task impossible, that was all it would ever be.

If I was to indeed turn things around, to actually do everything was all that was left.

One night, as I drifted off to those realms yet unknown, I think I saw in my mind,  and I heard in my head,

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

And in them lines my hopes for a renewed life lay.With Hopes Of Redemption

05
Mar
12

Hindsight

When I can no longer see

What’s in front of me,

I just look back

To see what tracks

Trail behind,

And so often I find,

Suddenly I know

Just exactly what’s going to be,

Just what lies

In front of my eyes,

Even that, which can’t yet be seen,

That which will soon have been.

06
Sep
10

Looking Through The Glass

Looking through the glass I peer                                                    
Hoping to find somewhere near
The people that are here no more
Those whom I once did so adore
Looking through the glass I peer
Wanting to find somewhere near
That which I want to know today
That which can make or break my day
Today I can learn no more­­
If every lesson will be so sore
Let me sleep a happy night
Tomorrow will be nice and bright
And hope to find it better I do,
Maybe the night will throw up something new
 Though the hope is now but slight
I must stop and say goodnight.



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