Archive for the 'Incessant Reality' Category



Trust, is a fickle thing. Fickle as fuck. One day it’s there, and the next, poof. Sometimes, I can’t remember why i lost it. And I feel only worse for having burnt another bridge. But, when everything is so transient and often contrived, what, I ask myself, is the point then, of putting much of me into anything at all. So, I just cut it all out and move along, all the while wondering, how it might have been, how I would have lived that day in my old life. Yet, as I live in a bygone past and imagined future, a little voice reminds me what the dissatisfaction felt like and why I chose to brutally and abruptly knock a part of my being off. And then suddenly I feel that there might still be the tiniest hope that the right stuff, the good shiz still lies ahead, and if I plod through what I have to, I might still make it.


The Price of Knowing

Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts.   Image credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North

Knowledge, wisdom, judgement – all come at a cost. The most balanced, self-assured seeming, if not calm, decisive person you know, whom you look at and wish you could be like in some respects, is probably one who’s been in the same situation a trillion times before. And hasn’t extricated themselves from it, and is stuck making the seemingly ‘safer’ choice whence you glimpse their seeming cool countenance. On the inside, the person’s remembering every last time and wondering how they got there again, and trying to make the one choice they’ve not tried as of yet, hoping to get out and leave it all behind. The ghosts of their past will likely haunt them for a while after this time, even as you think and ‘envy’ their ‘decision’. The more a person knows about avoiding death, more the likelihood that his/her wardrobe has a jumbled heap of bones – skeletons waiting to tumble out- people they watched die & in all likelihood killed.

The ghosts of mistakes and by gone blunders haunt the house at night, leaving me tossing at night, not knowing why I’m tired in the day.

The longer I stay in a situation, the more the things I want to put behind me, and the more I try to stuff them away, the more they seep out from beneath my feet, behind my back and above my head- all around.

The more enlightened (experienced, learned) our houses are- more ghosts the walls ooze.


So these are the people who’re going to vote tomorrow!

Okay, so somehow Obama’s going to church but secretly a Muslim and somehow that has a bearing on how good a president he is/ will be. And OMG! How could THE WHOLE WORLD have missed it??? It’s the Buddhists who’re taking away the freedom from the Americans in America!!! Frikking hell! Gosh.

New Left Media

Goes to show just how much actual thought people put into their political choices. And just how much a good journalist can uncover by asking that second question.

No, but really, no wonder no one’s ever happy with the guys in the Parliament! They have no clue whom they’re voting for or why!


Being There, Doing That.

It’s been a while, and again, I think I have lost ‘touch’.

Also, that means this one’s going to be long.

So well, since the last I bothered blogging, a new term’s started, and is about to end in less than two weeks from today. That now begs the question, why on earth would I be blogging now of all times? Maybe, with the exams around my brain’s functioning again, or maybe that’s just how it is…. I post four times a year because that’s how many major exams I have.

Anyway, as we started clinical postings at school, I got around to interacting with lots of hospital staff, doctors, nurses, attendants, orderlies and most importantly, patients. I realized that although someday I might float to the top of that hierarchy, I start at the very bottom. As of today, the nurses at the hospital sure do know so much more, and I don’t think I could get through any thing at all without their help…. starting from finding my way around the hospital to actually taking patients’ histories. They keep a huge section of the hospital running.

But the incidents that made maximum impact on me were my interactions with patients… young and old… and I had my share of pleasant ones and bitter ones, but I learnt lessons all the same….1. Whenever I’d walk in the hospital with the steth dangling around my neck without a book or a bag announcing that I was a student, there was sure to be at least one lost patient who’d come over and ask for help. Maybe in directing them to a department or telling them which department to go to, or once to my horror, if they’d got the name of the medicine right. To add to the trauma, I happen to not know the local language. I’d feel so traumatized and well, slightly ashamed of my inability to help, and I’d always just point at a nurse or an orderly or a resident or try to ask the poor soul to ask at the inquiry desk. There was this once I was looking through a patient’s file and going over her charts looking at her progress and stuff, and her son I think it was, he came up to me and ever so ever respectfully but so worriedly asked of me how her condition was and how long it would take her to pull through. She was sick, and had multiple disorders…. endocarditis and hypothyroidism and pleural effusion and had just been treated for septic shock,and still had a GI infection. Now I just about know the meanings of all those words and the basis for their treatments. As I looked at the boy with a blank face, they wheeled his mother in, and he turned to her giving me a slightly helpless look…

Lesson : These people around here, especially the relatives of the sick ones… they respect the doctors beyond anything else and often have their hopes pinned on the race of medical men.

2. When I did have a text or notes in my hand, or when I’d stand over a patients bed, poking and prodding and fumbling as I took his history along with two three of my batch mates, more often than not, the patients realized that we were but students and that we weren’t going to be of any help to their cause as far as their recovery was concerned. This would make them resentful, and they’d want us to just go. They wouldn’t answer properly and would assume a ‘couldn’t care less…go to hell…don’t bother me I’m sick’ attitude. Why, one man even said something as ridiculous as “you people can’t become doctors if I don’t come to you as a patient, so don’t bother me”.

Lesson : I really don’t know. I think it is that if people who are in need of help are getting it from somewhere, they won’t turn to help anyone else who needs theirs. Odd, I know.

3. There was this one lady in the Surgery wards, she had a very large leg ulcer on her right leg, and it undoubtedly hurt like hell. She beckoned to us and said in her tongue “Children, you people must become good doctors, and please ask me whatever you want to, and look and examine the leg all you want, just stop if I ask you to because I’ll only say so if it hurts too much.”

Lesson : Every cloud has a silver lining. To every person that denies you a helping hand, there’s another that will lead you all the way through the tunnel to the other side.

But above all, what I learnt, is that every single one of those interactions was worth it. They didn’t affect me, I was only thankful for every day’s experience in the hospital. I found out how much I want to be doing this for ever and ever.


Words Aplenty.

Time and again, I prove to myself, that as stressful times ( meaning exams) return, I turn to updating this blog, and begin to shun, or at least try to stay away from human company. Strange pattern for sure. While most people try to stay with their friends, and establish this system of give and take of support, I turn away from all of that, and shut myself up in the confines of my room, or else wander about, lost, or talking on the phone, maintaining contact with the only people I feel the need for…my parents. Freedom, independence etc I have learnt, are different form an attachment to one’s own family. In the beginning, 8 months back, when I’d just gotten what I perceived as some sort of freedom from constant scrutiny,I resented having to talk to my parents everyday. Probably because having to do that reminded me of what I’d learnt within 5 minutes of being in hostel…. the scrutiny just wasn’t going to be that prominent anymore, but it was going to be there all the same… and it was going to double… from them , same as always, and much to my surprise, i found myself always asking myself whether what i was about to do would pass a check by my parents. But now, neither do my parents scrutinize much, nor do I in that way. I ask myself whether I am comfortable with what I am doing, and suddenly I find, that its much easier to ask my parents what to do, and then take a call,after weighing their opinions. Also, when the first set of exams came up, I realised, that they were going to be the only source of support from whom I’d actually appreciate the support. I found I really didn’t like the kind of support offered by other individuals who were in the same position as me myself. But well, now, so many many months later, I feel like I’ve aged a decade, and have turned into some sort of wise-sagely-owl/Rip Van Winkle. After days of only sleep, days of no sleep whatsoever, days of introspection, and days when all caution was thrown to wind, I have learnt learnt and again learnt, that at the end of the day, there are only a couple of things that you do that can ever be good for you, and they are either doing what your parents ask you o, or going by the first, strongest gut feeling you have…trust either you own instinct, or your parents’ nobody else really has good instincts where you are concerned.  😀 So there, ma, happy?

I’m learning, slowly, but learning all the same, to follow my own advice.

Oh, yes, WE WON THE CUP yayy!!! 😀 I swear….2nd April ’11 definitely became one heck of a memory as India became the first nation to win the cricket WC on home soil, and Sachin’s long cherished dream of winning the cup was FINALLY and well deservedly realised, thought I’m sure he felt the pang of not having stayed on crease for longer, but hell! He’s done his bit!! Although Dhoni was captain, and Yuvraj was Man Of The Series, without denying them their due, the cup was pretty much Sachin’s Cup. Obviously, I have managed to come cross as a mad Sachin crazy person, but I’m not that fussed really, but only feel that if there are people ready to call him God, God of cricket, then he’s obviously something else! And then again, that was that, he’s now off the ODI scene. ODI cricket sure will miss him… At Lords’ at Eden Gardens, at Sharjah, and at Wankhede….. everywhere that has ever been home to cricket shall in some corner reverberate with the sound of Sachin’s bat and the joyous celebration of his many spoils….

Another seemingly good thing, well it could turn into something good…. is the renewal of the Anti-Corruption movement and the efforts to get the Jan Lokpal Bill ( Peoples’ Ombudsman Bill) passed. This proposed bill will create an ombudsman, the jan lokpal, that can try and prosecute bureaucrats and politicians without being under political influence ( though given Indian predisposition it will be only former or current judiciary or political high fliers that form the committee and hence it will be impossible to entirely alleviate political influence). The original bill aimed at enabling the common man to be able to have a particular ‘authority’ duly tried at a court of justice, but that bill fell through, and the revised bill being discussed now can only bring in any thing through the LS speaker, and hence the politics is introduced at the very basic level, but still, some system is better than no system. Also, the original Jan Lokpal was meant to be an authoritative body, autonomous, but now, the proposal reduces it to a mere advisory body. Obviously, it has been twisted and pruned to make it conducive for the survuival of every single corrupt practice, while giving the international and even common man audience the impression of some huge anti corruption step being taken. Strange, how time and again there is a good man who tries to bring in something actually, honestly straight forward and beneficial, and the negative influences succeed in overruling and twisting all well meant efforts into producing a result, a meaningless, useless result…Sad pattern, but it sure seems like one that’s here to stay…

Well, whats more, is exams starting this day next week, and exams for the next month and a half. Plus obviously, a woefully under prepared me.
Happy Summer All!!!

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