Archive for April, 2012

02
Apr
12

Resplendent Cattywampus

Roughly conveys the meaning of ‘brilliant, sparkling disarray’.

Now that is at the face of it, the sole outcome of letting life just steer itself down whatever course it wills. Apparently, flying with one’s hands free, on autopilot comes at a steep price.

But, let me tell you, living life as it comes has a HUGE plus side. It ensures that regardless of what my next door neighbour may say about my unruly shenanigans, I will have at the end of the day truly lived every moment that the day had to offer. Every single moment – to the fullest.

Not that a day should be spent meaninglessly doing nothing in particular. The day should be spent doing as many things as possible, as well as possible. And most importantly, doing those things that one truly loves doing.

So, that ideal, so resplendent, promising and inviting, calls out to one and all I’m sure. To live a day, to cherish and drink in the wonder of every given moment that passes by and to feel fully satisfied with everything done during the day is pretty much that one  thing that has eluded me since the I was old enough to know that’s what I really want. Somehow the very idea of being able to exist as that ideal creates this astonishingly brilliant image, and I’m afraid that if I open my eyes to look, the pure white light will blind me.

Well, when all had been said about the ideal life, I tried to get it done too. Sadly,  I was broken to find that it really didn’t work the way I felt it should or the way it does in a dream.

My life pretty much slipped out of control. I was doing everything that I’d ever dreamt of, or at least the evil forces of the world had me believing that everything I was doing was everything I’d ever dreamt of. But in actuality, all hell had broken loose and I had shards of my life lying scattered all about me in utter disarray.

As inviting as it had all seemed, it turned out that such designs in  life were only meant for the higher, more evolved, controlled ones who could find it in them to both practice and preach. In trying to live each moment I found it so easy to lose sight of the future…my future. It was so easy to just remain suspended in time, at that moment, to imagine that that was the only moment I ever had to live and just keep drinking in its essence and beauty.

But alas, clocks ticked on and alarm bells rang, and as the hours passed me by all I was left with was tonnes of work to be done and so much else undone, albeit accompanied by a glorious memory or two, but I had to choose… which was worth more? Hundreds of decent, enjoyable memories or just a couple of amazing, breathtakingly exquisite ones followed by ages of pain and labour?

I tried living life as it came by,and  it didn’t really feel that great. I didn’t like the after taste it left. Bitter-sweet and sour.

What I had was a glimpse of brilliance, almost blinded eyes, and no grip over the future. It was all mayhem. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I didn’t  know.

I could close my eyes and remember the light I’d once seen.

I swore to strive to get there…to the stage where I could truly let my life steer itself and know for sure that it was going down the path that was best for me, to know that I would not lose control even in face of the strongest winds regardless of whether or not I stood at the wheel, whether or not I steered.

But at that moment, surrounding me was nothing but sparkling debris of magnificence that was once whole.

Resplendent Cattywampus




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