With Hopes Of Redemption

Even as I frantically tried to make my life take a better turn, it defied my deepest desires, took the same path as before and went down the same worn out road that I had taken so many times before. I knew that taking the other lane would be best, and it was certainly not for the want of knowledge that I made the wrong choice, I think, it was force of habit.

Every single day I’d say to myself, today… TODAY is THE day. The day you’ve been waiting for. Now grab the day. Somehow, I always set so much store by the old saying well begun is half done, I started to see the motivation I gave myself as the beginning, and considered my goals half achieved, but while it certainly was a start, just saying ‘Begin’ never really set the wheels of change in motion, and thus it was all only but still left undone.

To redeem, renew and revitalise my life seemed so important, so necessary and very much within reach, but so darned unachievable… I wanted to rejuvenate my life, restore it to what it had one been. I so badly wanted to ignite once more the thrilling fires of determination and achievement; I wanted to feel the thirst I used to feel incessantly for every drop of victory that was attainable.

I remember I once decided to do all of that, and went on the whole day, successfully carried on for a week and then some four months…. At the end of which I found I had once again run out of some magical driving force that I had temporarily resurrected. And then at the end of another four months I only found myself once again meandering, directionless, again merely building castles in the air, and dwelling in reminiscence of the times gone by. The castles, even those of my dreams now resemble ancient ruins….. Large boulders in the middle of no-man’s land.

I wondered whether thoughts alone could make everything seem normal. Sane.  Lively. What was one to do when one merely wanted to live life again?

And seriously, every single article I read online, every bit of advice anyone ever gave me seemed purely impractical and undoable, or plain lame.  And all the while I knew that once I decided to consider a particular task impossible, that was all it would ever be.

If I was to indeed turn things around, to actually do everything was all that was left.

One night, as I drifted off to those realms yet unknown, I think I saw in my mind,  and I heard in my head,

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

And in them lines my hopes for a renewed life lay.With Hopes Of Redemption


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