Trust, is a fickle thing. Fickle as fuck. One day it’s there, and the next, poof. Sometimes, I can’t remember why i lost it. And I feel only worse for having burnt another bridge. But, when everything is so transient and often contrived, what, I ask myself, is the point then, of putting much of me into anything at all. So, I just cut it all out and move along, all the while wondering, how it might have been, how I would have lived that day in my old life. Yet, as I live in a bygone past and imagined future, a little voice reminds me what the dissatisfaction felt like and why I chose to brutally and abruptly knock a part of my being off. And then suddenly I feel that there might still be the tiniest hope that the right stuff, the good shiz still lies ahead, and if I plod through what I have to, I might still make it.
I just watched charlieissocoollike’s now nearly 5 year old video after five years, and for the second time in these five years. Video in question being this one-Dear Future Charlie
I vaguely remember watching it back then. I don’t think I made as much of it as I did just now. This time, I cried. Literally. Teared up. Perplexing as this might be, I think, it is because for the first time, my own future is SO unimaginably uncertain. I don’t know, I considered making a time capsule of sorts of my own, on video and written formats. But I couldn’t decide where to put it. I also needed to compose self. Maybe I will make a video, maybe I won’t. But I’m finding not knowing what is going to become of me very stressful and scary. He told his future self that he hopes he’d still be doing YouTube in some form. So he is in fact able to accept that he might be doing something entirely different! But given that I went down the particular career path that I did, I really do doubt that doing anything else will be an option ever in my life. I’m not sure I’d want to do anything else for a living, but time and again I have wished I’d done something- anything else, so I’d have been able to do theatre, maybe song more, blog more, write more.
Anyway, if I do muster the stuff required to make a video and put it up on YouTube even if it is privated, or maybe store it on my Google drive maybe, I’ll put it on here as well. My own personal little Internet diary 🙂
It has been a while since I’ve even thought about this scrappy webpage – a poor excuse for a blog- I don’t even remember it most of the time blog of mine. But hey, it is my blog and well, you can never hate what’s your own, so 🐯 I shall resort to posting animal emojis and then stop rarambling when there’s nothing to be said
We don’t ever really do anything particularly new. Not really. Either you always wanted to and didn’t or you always have done things the same way. It’s never new.
The 270 degree arc is okay. the last 90 will not happen – this circle CANNOT be allowed to complete. No circle should. WOuldn’t I grow dizzy? Jeez life! Here’s to a happy tangent!
The deepest chasms remain uncrossed,
The final leap untaken.
Time goes on and moments draw close
But as courage is yet hard to gather,and
Wits still difficult to collect,
The unknown is but dark and scary
Fears, impossible to face.
As the fires get oncemeore lit and
Power reigns in from every quarter;
There just may be a one last chance,
To take heart and believe
And cross this last abyss.
Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.
Where did I go wrong I lost a friend somewhere along, in the bitterness, and I would’ve stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.
I needed ‘inspiration’ to write. And WordPress seems to want me to bare all and tell. Well, there – I picked my line. From How To Save A Life by The Fray. Well, although it doesn’t define my every breath anymore, it did for a considerable amount of time. Now it’s mostly just about any song that either asks the world to bloody quit judging me and bugger off or some little alternative rock stuff that tries to infuse some hope and vigour into my life. Not that there are too many happy ones, for the most of it my playlist has angsty sad songs. Damn…what does that say about me?! Oh well, coming to the point at hand. How To Save A Life.
So, the first cue WordPress gave me was to pick a moment that changed my life forever. The second was the song thing. I picked the song thing,but I think I can effectively tackle both. Firstly, know that the event itself was rather silly. However, I hold my ground that it CHANGED me FOREVER. Forever and ever and ever more. That sort of thing happens to children when they deal with even small stuff all by themselves for too long. Looking back, after finishing both Psych rotations and Psych theory, I was clinically depressed well into mid year 2 of med school.
People change as they grow up. Your cute little next doorsy but fucking pretty best friend turns into an I’m too cool for you plain Janes socialite at 15 and you’re basically a football playing knee scraping teen already sadly enough, fed up with ‘the system’
Yep. So my friend, she was practically my sister, right? And although she was a few months older than me, I was the ‘older’ one. The bigger of two scrawny babies. What would you do if over one vacation your own little sister just started to ignore you it refused to admit it and just slowly began to make the embarrassed face where they go “oops peeps, I know she’s my sister, but don’t lump me with her” when you tried to make it to their hang outs. Embarassed! Of me! Anyway, so you call a bunch of times, but always get told she’s out or busy, but then you wait for the returned call. It never came.
So on my 16th, I probably very unwisely decided to ‘disown’ her, or rather make public her rejection of me- in public eye. Fuck that was brutal shit. I shouldn’t have. I think that shaped me. I spiralled further into the lowest of lows. And have only just, 6 years later, managed to creep halfway up the deep well. I still can’t see the light, but it seems I’m getting breaths of fresher air than I’ve been used to these parts years.
I meant to write in more detail, but it now looks like I should let the diary post rest in my diary and the blog read like a blog.
Mirthfully, maniacally laughing at my little high school self, who’s hoping against hope, that it’s all a bad dream and tomorrow I’ll wake up and find I’m not this dependent, that I am some high flying successful person, studying in those hallowed halls of the world’s best like I imagined I would. I wish I’d worked instead of imagined.
“You’ll begin to wonder why you came”
I wish I’d just talked. But I wanted to take control. I did it too suddenly. The control I tried to wrest sotnof slipped out of my grip because of how forcefully I pushed away the hands that had held the power for so many long years.